Once Upon A Narcissus
by NeitherSparky
Summary: Disney's Hercules movie only fic. How Hades met Persephone.
1. Chapter One

_Note from the Author: I just want to make sure that everyone knows before they start reading this that I wrote it right after seeing the movie in theatres, and that means it has __nothing_ whatsoever to do with the series Disney put out, which I haven't actually sat down and watched much of even to this date. I just want to make that clear now, so you don't get confused as to why my version of, say, Poseidon is entirely different from the one in the series. All I was going by was the _movie_ (well, that and mythology books). Thanks for listening. 8^) ~Sparky 

**"Once Upon A Narcissus"**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter One_**

_It all started out as a joke (or at least everyone had thought so): Poseidon promising Hades his first-born daughter in return for a few extra poker chips. All the gods present had shared a good laugh at Hades' expense as they tried to imagine the King of the Underworld ever marrying, and after a few antes they had forgotten the whole thing. _

But the more Poseidon thought about the agreement, the more he liked it. Hades was a powerful god, with an immense kingdom; besides himself and Zeus--who was already married--Hades was the most influential immortal around. So, years later, when Demeter bore Poseidon a baby girl, the Sea Lord had made up his mind that little Persephone would marry Hades when she came of age. 

The only problem was, he forgot to tell anyone. 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

"You forgot?" Persephone stamped a tiny foot. "Daddy!" she whined, hands on hips, "How could you forget my birthday?" 

"I'm sorry, angelfish," Poseidon tried to appease his daughter, "but there was this typhoon...I simply had to be there." 

Persephone turned her back on the reflecting pool where her father's image floated. "You could have hurried," was all she could say. 

"I'll be there by nightfall... Is your mother there?" Poseidon changed the subject abruptly. 

"Not yet." 

A ripple went through the pool as the sea god sighed with relief. "I'll see you later, precious," he said, and vanished. 

Persephone cast a wistful glance over her shoulder. Her father's forgetfulness was normally only a nuisance, but this time, it hurt. Her birthday! Her eighteenth birthday, and her own father had forgotten...She sighed forlornly, and knelt to trail her fingers in the water. 

A sea nymph, who thrust her head out of the pool, instantly replaced her reflection. 

"Sephie!" exclaimed the nymph, treading water. "What are you doing here? Everyone is waiting for you by the big tree!" 

"I'm sorry Cyane," said Persephone, as she helped her best friend out of the pool. "I was thinking." 

"Well there's no time for that," Cyane admonished and, seizing Persephone's hand, the nymph broke into a run towards the island's only wooded area. "Come on!" she cried over her shoulder. It was all Persephone, with her short legs, could do to keep up with the flighty nymph. 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Hades was mad. 

No, no, I take that back, he wasn't mad, he was furious. 

"Who--just tell me who," he began, "has been eating all my fruit?" he demanded of the room. 

No one answered. 

Hades began floating back and forth in front of the six frightened imps impatiently. "I mean, here I am, going to all the trouble I do, just to get together what, a peach, maybe a grape or something, and somebody goes in the pantry--which, I may add, is completely sealed off--and eats my fruit!" 

The imps eeped and bunched together. 

Hades flung his arms wide. "All I want is a plum now and then, is that so bad?" he demanded. 

"No, no!" came the chorus. 

"Then whoever," continued the god, bending down to put himself eye-level with his audience, "has been taking my fruit, had better lay off, or all of you are going to find out what humus feels like! Now get out of here!" he roared. Imps scattered everywhere. 

Hades grunted something to himself as he watched his minions flee. What a day this was turning out to be! First Rhadamanthys had demanded a raise (yeah, right), then Poseidon--the single most obnoxious immortal to ever roam Creation, in Hades' opinion--had requested to speak with him, now this. What was the Underworld coming to? 

"What do you mean I have to leave my trident at the door?" an irritated voice boomed from somewhere along a corridor. "I made this trident with my own two hands! Let me tell you about the time I used it to bore a terrific well out of a plain ordinary rock--" 

"Sy!" Hades rounded the corner, greeting the God of the Sea with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. "So nice of you to visit me--I don't get many people coming...and then _going_, you know." 

"Oh, nonono, my pleasure," replied Poseidon. He stepped forward to shake Hades' hand, but was intercepted by Strife, who seized the handle of his trident and refused to let go. 

"House rules," she growled, tugging. "Can'tcha read?" 

Poseidon glanced at the "Whilst In the Underworld, Thou Shalt Not:" sign on the cavern wall behind him. "'Rule Number Two, thou shalt not bear arms,'" he read. "Big deal! Hades doesn't mind if I break one teeny little rule, do you, Hades?" 

"No, of course not," replied Hades through clenched teeth. He nodded at Strife, who reluctantly released the trident and stalked away grumbling. 

"Now, Sy," began Hades, attempting to sound cordial, "What can I do for you today? Keep in mind that I am very, very, _extremely_, busy..." 

"Of course you are!" agreed Poseidon, nodding vigorously. "You're a very important man, with a very important job to do." 

Hades blinked. Was that recognition? "Come again?" 

"Yes, yes...very important. And that, my friend, is why I am here. Shall we put our feet up?" suggested the sea god, striding purposefully past Hades. 

"Yes, let's," monotoned Hades. Just what was this guy up to? 

Poseidon suddenly stopped in his tracks, and whirled around. "No, no, this can't wait," he said, "I'm much too excited. This is your lucky day, Hades!" 

"Will you please stop with the vagueness, already!" Hades demanded rather than asked. "What is it?" 

"Well, remember that little...deal we made, ages ago?" 

Hades frowned. "No," he said. 

"Oh come on...you remember. We were playing cards, and I ran out of chips..?" 

Hades shook his head and shrugged exaggeratedly. He always remembered making deals, but this, this he couldn't recall. 

Poseidon caved. "You gave me some chips, and I promised you my first-born daughter's hand in marriage! You've got to remember that." Poseidon's lip trembled a moment, then he threw himself bodily on Hades, giving him a rather violent hug. "Son!" he cried emotionally. 

"Uh...I'm confused," said Hades, not reciprocating the embrace. "Did you say 'marriage' back there? Because well, that's what it sounded like, and I--" 

"That's what I said," answered Poseidon, grabbing Hades' shoulders and holding the Lord of the Dead out at arm's length. "All these years...watching my little girl grow up into a woman...now this." Poseidon sniffled a little. "It's so...I'm just..." With that he put his forehead against Hades' chest and sniffled some more. 

"Look Sy...Uh...Sy, no need to get... ...Get a hold of yourself...You're wrinkling the tunic, Sy." 

Poseidon looked up with red-rimmed eyes. "Do...Do you think you could call me 'Dad'?" he asked hopefully. 

Hades sighed. 


	2. Chapter Two

**"Once Upon A Narcissus"**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Two_**

"Thanks, everyone," said Persephone, beaming. "For all the presents. And for just...being here," she added, her father's image on Cyane's reflecting pool coming sadly to mind. 

"That's all right, dear," said Orphne, patting Persephone's hand gently. "You know we all love you...don't we, Ascalaphus?" she prompted, nudging the young man who slouched at her elbow. 

"Um, sure Ma," responded her son, who then promptly made a buck-teeth face at Persephone. Persephone retaliated by pouting at him. 

"Ascalaphus has grown into quite a fine-looking young gentleman, hasn't he?" Demeter prodded, arriving at Persephone's side as the others began to depart. 

Persephone rolled her eyes. "Mom," she complained, "stop trying to set me up with Cal. He's a real geek." 

"Don't use that word," answered Demeter sternly. "It's not ladylike. And today," she held her daughter's round face in both hand, "you are a lady. Don't ever forget that." 

"Speaking of forgetting..." 

Demeter exhaled loudly. "Never mind your father," she said, throwing up her hands. "He's got a head like a colander. I honestly don't know what I saw in him in the first place. Well, no matter, I'm a free goddess now." 

Persephone shrugged. "At least someone is free around here," she muttered. 

"Oh now, don't start this argument again," scolded Demeter. "You're safe on this island." 

"From what? Mom, I'm trapped here! I want to see the world--at least Mount Olympus--" 

"No," interrupted Demeter. "You'll stay here. My flower," the Earth Goddess sighed, touching her daughter's face, "you are beautiful--so beautiful, that I fear something may happen to you. This is a very violent and masculine-dominated world we live in. Men think they can just control everything, even us. I don't want to see you get hurt." 

Persephone lowered her eyes. "Yes, Mom," she said. 

"Good girl," purred Demeter. "Now, I have to get back to my duties. A woman's work is never done, and all that. I'm so proud of you, sweetheart, and I'll see you later tonight." 

Cyane stood beside Persephone as she bid goodbye to her mother and all her other well-wishers. "Some party, huh?" asked the nymph playfully. 

"Sure," answered Persephone. "I especially liked when Clymene poured punch all over Cal!" 

The girls giggled. 

"Come on, let's go pick flowers," Cyane suggested. 

So, hand in hand, the two skipped happily off to the field surrounding the reflecting pool. 

"Ooh, there's a pretty one!" cried Persephone, prancing in one direction. 

"That one's prettier!" argued Cyane, prancing off in another direction. "Sephie, come this way!" 

But Persephone was stubborn, insisting that her way was the best way, and went on alone. She gathered flower after flower, tucking them in the fancy girdle her father had sent her for her birthday. But while reaching for an exceptionally beautiful lily, she stopped cold. There, just at the edge of her sight, was a deep-blue narcissus, more delicate than anything she had ever seen before. 

She had to have it. 

"Cyane!" she called. "Cyane, come see this!" 

Cyane appeared, near her pool. "What is it?" 

"Look!" said Persephone, and she picked the narcissus. 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

That was the signal. 

Hades spurred on his chariot's steed by slapping its flank with his scepter, and began his rapid ascent to the surface. He had only a few moments to think, and he used them. Had he been right to accept Poseidon's offer? He had never even met this Persephone, let alone seen her. Having a wife might actually raise his social status among the Olympians, but did he want a queen? 

Still questioning the wisdom of his choice, Hades arrived on Earth, tearing through the ground and hovering above the startled Persephone, who was too stunned to even make a noise. 

Not Cyane. _She_ screamed. 

"Oy, witnesses," Hades complained. "This had to be complicated...Quiet!" he roared, hurling his scepter at the shrieking nymph. 

The scepter struck Cyane, and her screams turned to gurgles as she transformed into a stone fountain, flowing with blue water. 

This spurred Persephone into action. "You horrible man!" she wailed, stamping her foot. "What have you done to my friend?" 

"Increased her market value," sneered Hades, shaking the reins. The chariot swooped down, and the god seized Persephone by the waist. "Come on, dollface, we're going for a little ride." 

"No we're not," protested the girl, squirming violently. "Let me go!" 

"Now look what you've done, you've broken your belt," remarked Hades condescendingly as the seashell girdle and all the picked flowers tumbled down into the basin of the fountain that was once Cyane. "You'll love your new home, toots, it's well-lit and very, very warm." 

And so Hades hauled Persephone, kicking and screaming and still clutching the deep-blue narcissus, into the Underworld. 


	3. Chapter Three

**"Once Upon A Narcissus"**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Three_**

"I said, let me go!" With a mighty wrench and well-placed punch, Persephone freed herself from Hades' strong grip. 

"Ooof! Yeeah...Erg!" exclaimed Hades, twisting and ultimately tumbling backwards out of the chariot. "What, are you insane?" he demanded from his place on the cavern floor. "Is this any way to treat me--me, your..._generous_ host?" 

"You mean abductor!" shrilled Persephone, leaping out of the chariot. She stomped on Hades' hand. 

Hades yowled. 

"Take me home, right..._now!_" the goddess demanded, alternately kicking and punching Hades. 

"...He's gonna marry _her?_" Panic asked in disbelief from where he and Pain, in the form of rats, hid in the corner. 

"That's what he said," replied Pain, who scratched his head. "I dunno, I think they're kinda cute." 

"Ow! Hey! Stop it already!" shouted Hades, getting up despite Persephone's continued attack. "...Where'd I put my leash?" 

Persephone, unsure of her situation, decided to whip up some tears. "What do you want with me?" she mock-sobbed. 

"First of all, to change your medication." Hades frowned at the goddess. "Methinks I didst choose falsely...Pain! Panic!" he bellowed. 

Pain and Panic yelped in surprise and terror, morphed back to normal, and scuttled obediently out of the corner. 

"Right here!" Panic announced. 

Hades blinked. "And how long have you two been watching?" 

"Uh..." Pain strained to come up with something convincing. "Uhm, we just got here?" 

Hades arched an eyebrow, then turned his attention to the blue imp. "Panic?" 

Panic trembled. "The whole time?" he offered. Pain kicked him. 

Persephone looked up, and brightened immediately. "Oooh!" she exclaimed, idly placing the narcissus in her hair. "They're so cute!" And before anyone could react, the goddess swooped forward, snatched up Panic and started cuddling him. 

"Aack! Get her off me! Get her off!" shrieked Panic, struggling madly. 

"Now," said Hades smoothly, totally ignoring Panic's cries for help, "I want you boys to show Miss Persephone a good time. Give her...the grand tour, as it were." 

Pain nodded vigorously. Panic began morphing into various creatures in his frantic--but vain--attempts to escape. 

"Take good care of Persephone--but don't give her anything," Hades continued. "If there's anything I can't stand, it's sharing." 

"You can count on us!" said Pain, saluting. 

"If anything happens to her I'll be answering to her father--and _you'll_ be answering to _me_," Hades pointed out, not kindly. 

Pain nodded again. 

Hades glanced over at Panic. The blue imp had finally ceased his struggles and now lay still in Persephone's lap, allowing the goddess to stroke his horns. Hades marched over, seized a startled Panic by the tail and dangled him like at cat tease in front of the equally startled Persephone. 

"And you," he hissed to the goddess, "keep your hands off of my henchmen!" He unceremoniously flung Panic into the nearest wall. "I have some business to attend to," announced Hades at last, turning to leave. "Don't let her out of your sight!" was his final warning before departing. 

"Pinhead," snarled Persephone. 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Demeter frowned. "Well when did you see her last?" 

Cal shrugged. "I dunno," he said. "Today." 

"A very enlightening report," monotoned the Earth Goddess, rolling her eyes. "Was she with someone? Did she say where she might go?--Nevermind," she concluded when Cal shrugged again, "I'll find her myself. You've been very helpful." 

Cal nodded impassively and wandered away. 

"Hmm," muttered Demeter, watching Ascalaphus leave, "perhaps Persephone has the right idea about him after all." She gathered up the trailing edge of her garb and headed across the flower fields. 

When she caught sight of the broken seashell garter lying within a stone fountain beside Persephone's favorite pool, she stopped short. That was the garter Poseidon had sent with the last tide...Demeter looked around. There was no other sign of Persephone. Demeter suddenly had a very bad feeling in the pit of her stomach...which grew worse as the bubbling of the fountain seemed to form words. 

_Sephie_, bubbled the fountain wanly. 

Demeter hurried forward. "Where is Persephone?" she demanded, grabbing up the garter and a few of the picked flowers from the fountain's basin. "What happened here?" 

_Gone_, sighed the fountain. _Gone_... 

"Gone?" repeated Demeter incredulously. "Gone...where?" 

The fountain bubbled indecipherably for a few moments, then began repeating a single word in a sing-song sort of way: 

_Downdowndowndowndown_... 


	4. Chapter Four

**"Once Upon A Narcissus"**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Four_**

"There he is; there he is!" 

"Gimme the Eye, Clotho, you've been hogging it all afternoon!" 

"No no, give it to me, I want to see the happy groom!" 

Hades paused to lightly tap his forehead against the doorway. 

Clotho yelped as Lachesis thumped her on the back of the head, pilfering the Eye. "Oooh, sisters," Lachesis warned the other Fates, "he looks like he may be getting cold feet." 

All three Fates snickered at the thought of the fiery God of the Underworld ever having cold anything. 

"All right, all right, ha ha, sure, I'm a big joke now, I get it." Hades stepped, scowling, into the chamber. "I suppose you know everything about what's been going on, as usual." 

The Fates bobbed their heads gleefully. 

"Then can you gals tell me, please," Hades began, "is this whole betrothal thing for real? Am I really about to marry Little Miss Weirdo out there?" 

Atropos beamed. "He wants the future, give me the Eye," she said smugly. Lachesis grudgingly handed the Eye to her sister. 

Atropos weighed the Eye in her hand a moment before putting it in its socket. She looked Hades up and down thoughtfully. 

"Well?" asked the Lord of the Dead impatiently. 

"...Did you get a new skull brooch?" Atropos asked. 

Hades rolled his eyes. "I'd like to have an answer here, you mind?" 

"Oh all right," sulked the short Fate. "Hmm, hmm...yes..." she mused, stroking her chin while gazing at Hades. 

"Yes? Yes what? Yes I'm going to marry her?" 

"No, no," answered Atropos, "yes, I'm certain that's a new brooch." 

"Give me the Eye, I want to see!" cried Clotho. 

"Oh what would you know about accessorizing?" sniffed Lachesis snootily, "you think green and orange go together!" 

"Of course they do!" retaliated Clotho, raising her voice. "You're always so cynical!" 

"She is, isn't she?" Atropos agreed. 

"Well you're always grabby about the Eye!" Lachesis returned to Clotho. 

Atropos agreed again. 

"Well I'm the oldest!" 

"Well Mother gave it to all of us!" 

"I was her favorite, you know," Atropos pointed out. The other two stopped blindly swiping their bony fists at eachother to turn their faces towards her. Before they could begin a new argument, and before Hades could add his own red-hot opinion, they were all rudely interrupted by loud raucous laughter from the doorway. 

"You throw some parties, you know that?" Poseidon said loudly, wiping his eyes. "...I told you to get on out of here," he told Strife, who was growling and clinging to his left leg. He pried her off with his trident and smacked her out of the room like a croquet ball. 

"...Sy," began Hades sullenly, "so nice of you to...come back." 

"Yeah well," answered Poseidon, taking a seat on a convenient rock, "I figured, hey, I'm practically family now! Eh...'Dad'?" He winked. Hades made a muffled gagging sound. 

Clotho and Lachesis crept up behind Atropos and wrestled the Eye from her. Lachesis elbowed Clotho in the nose and managed to gain possession of the Eye first. 

"Why, its the father of the bride!" she exclaimed, clasping her hands together. "Ooh, you must be so happy to be giving your daughter away to our Hades!" 

"Why, yes I--" 

Clotho grabbed the Eye. "Gimme that--This is so exciting!" she bubbled. "A wedding! Of course we'll be there to give the happy couple their first official fortune!" 

"...And to provide counseling five minutes after the ceremony," added Atropos. 

The three Fates snickered. 

"Thank you, ladies," said Hades sourly. 

"Welcome," chorused the Fates, and they filed out of the room. 

"Now those gals," stated Poseidon after they had gone, "are a three-woman party--eh, Pop?" 

Hades was disgusted. "Will you knock it off with the paternal thing?" he practically pleaded. "Its too weird." 

"Whatever you say," answered Poseidon, shrugging. He propped his feet up on a short rock. "Hey, you got any nuts, pretzels, something? This may be the Land of the Dead, but that doesn't mean we have to let the party die, do we? Huh? Do we?" 

Hades shrugged. "Why stop now?" 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

"So...what do you..._do_...down here?" asked Persephone, hopping from rock to rock. 

"Um...ah...Maybe--Maybe you shouldn't do that," wavered Panic, who was hovering close to the goddess and chewing his nails nervously. 

"Yeah," Pain had to agree from the shore, "the boss would kill us if you fell into the River Styx." 

"Oh, don't be a poop," Sephie answered, twirling on a large boulder that jutted out of the River. "No wonder this place is so boring." She sat down and pulled her knees close to her chest. "So..." she pressed, "what are your jobs?" 

Pain shrugged. "Just about anything Hades doesn't want to do himself, I guess," he answered. 

"Yeah," agreed Panic lighting on the boulder next to Persephone, "we're like, jacks of all trades." 

Persephone arched an eyebrow. "And masters of...what?" 

Pain and Panic were silent. 

"Uh huh." Persephone beckoned to Pain. "Come over here; I'm tired of shouting." 

Pain frowned. "We shouldn't be over here at all," he replied. "We're gonna get in trouble." 

Sephie shrugged. "Fine then, be by yourself." She turned to Panic, who was shyly lingering by her hip, and scratched him between the horns. "We don't care." 

Pain folded his arms in disapproval. "Panic..!" he warned. 

Panic grinned and shrugged. 

Persephone looked up. "There's a boat!" she exclaimed, pointing. 

"Hm?" said Panic. He glanced over to where the goddess was pointing. "That's Charon," he told Sephie. "He's like...Hades' personal taxi driver." 

Persephone jumped up, nearly sending Panic tumbling into the River of Souls. "Let's take a ride!" 

Pain's mouth hung open. "Are you nuts?!" he demanded. "Hades would par-broil us for sure!" 

"There you go being a drag again," chided the goddess, keeping her eye on the approaching vessel. "Um...how do we get him over here...Hey! Yoo-hoo! Charon! Over here!" 

Charon was evidently very surprised to see a young goddess hopping up and down in the middle of the River Styx, and he guided the boat over to her hurriedly. 

"Oh, thank you," gushed Sephie, beaming, as the boat bumped up against her boulder. "Oh, but, I'm frightened--could you help me down...please?" she implored, practically batting her eyes. 

Pain humphed loudly. 

Charon lay his pole down in the bottom of the boat, and put one foot on the boulder to steady the craft. He took hold of Persephone's hands and began to gently pull her down into the vessel. 

"Oh, no!" cried Sephie exaggeratedly, holding back. "It--It's too wobbly! Could you get up here and help me down?" 

Charon nodded silently. He stepped up onto the boulder, and assisted Persephone into the boat. 

"Thank you," chirped the goddess. And before Charon could reboard she had picked up the pole and pushed off. 

"Agh!" shrieked Pain, running along the shore. "You're a hijacker! Do you have any idea what you're doing?" 

"Nope," answered Sephie, "but this seems easy enough." She turned around. "Bye!" she called to the stranded Charon. "I'll try to remember to send someone to pick you up later." 

Panic looked up at the dumbfounded Charon, who looked back down at him. The blue imp shrugged and flew off after the boat. He landed at the prow. "This is great!" he enthused. "I always wanted to ride in this thing! Come on, Pain!" 

"Yeah come on!" shouted Sephie. "We're going to leave you behind!" 

"Oh..." fretted Pain, flapping along the shore. "We're going to be drywall by morning..." And he joined the crew reluctantly. 


	5. Chapter Five

**"Once Upon A Narcissus"**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Five_**

Helios checked his wrist-dial. Yep, his shift was almost over. He breathed a sigh of relief--it had been a long day. He hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep the night before, and, not only that, but Aethon got a bit of high-flying cloud in his eye around noon and had been vicious all afternoon. Helios was ready to turn in. 

But when he saw Demeter waiting for him at the stables on Mount Olympus, he knew he was in for an even longer night. 

"Helios," said Demeter sternly as the Sun God drew his team to a halt, "I must speak to you immediately." 

"What is it now, Demi?" Helios sighed, springing out of the chariot and handing Pyrois' reins to a stablesatyr. "Was I too hot again today?" he began sarcastically. "Did some of your little flowers get too thirsty?" He stopped short when he took note of the Earth Goddess' sad face. "What's up?" 

Demeter clasped her hands together. "Helios, I need you to tell me what you saw over Henna today." She arched an eyebrow when Helios began to fidget. "You did see something, didn't you?" 

The Sun God released Eos from the chariot. "I figured it wasn't really my business," he said slowly. 

"Well it's mine, so let me in on it." 

Helios turned to face Demeter. "All right." He lowered his eyes. "I saw that boy Ascalaphus looking down the nymphs' dresses--I didn't want to get anyone mad," he explained hastily when Demeter's expression turned to one of surprise. 

"Not that!" shouted the Earth Goddess. "Persephone!" 

"Oh, no!" said Helios quickly, "She punched him when he tried to do it to her!" 

Demeter began to fume. "Did you see who kidnapped her?" she shrieked. 

Helios frowned. "Oh! Oh, uh..." He thought hard. "Hades kidnapped her? I thought he was just giving her a lift, or something." 

Demeter clenched her fists and her teeth. "I think a certain hothead is going to be getting more company than he was bargaining for," she muttered, then turned and marched out of the stables. 

Helios watched her leave. "Sheesh," he said to Phlegon, who still stood, rigged to the chariot. "That's Mother Earth for you." 

Phlegon snorted. 

"You said it." 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Hades decided: This was definitely a worse day than the one when his father decided to make him the main course. He rolled his eyes at Poseidon, who was slapping his own knee in appreciation for one of his own jokes. 

"So what do you say, Hades?" said Poseidon, leaning forward. "Shall we go see my lovely daughter? I'd like to see how you two are getting along." 

"Um," said Hades. "I could just tell you..." 

"Nonsense!" Poseidon stood up. "I want to wish her a happy birthday in person anyhow. You knew today was her birthday, didn't you?" 

"No, no I didn't." Hades pushed himself up off of his rock. "Let's go, then, I mean, it's not as if I seem to have any say around here any more..." 

"Swell!" shouted Poseidon. The two gods headed down a corridor. 

"You know," said Hades before the Sea God could start jabbering again, "I never thought I would get married." 

"Eh?" Poseidon slapped Hades on the back. "A good-looking guy like you? I'd think the goddesses would be pounding down your door!" 

"Then you obviously don't get out much," muttered Hades under his breath. "What I mean is," he resumed, "I don't want to rush into this." 

"Of course you don't," responded Poseidon. "This will be a smashing ceremony! We'll need time to plan for it." 

"A _lot_ of time." 

Poseidon threw his arms wide. "Whatever you say. Hey, Hades," he said suddenly, stopping in his tracks as they walked along the riverbank. "Isn't that your uh, ship's captain out there on that rock?" 

Hades, who hadn't been paying much attention to where they were walking, looked up. Sure enough, there was Charon, sitting on the boulder where Persephone had left him, looking dejected with his head in his hands. 

Hades blinked. "What the--" 

He was interrupted by a chorus of fierce barking and snarling, from further along the river. 

"Oh no..." Hades grabbed Poseidon by the arm and began hauling him towards the sound. "That stupid--uh, I mean, delightful--girl," he hissed, casting a glance over his shoulder at the Sea God, "must be in the Kennel..." 

Poseidon beamed as he was dragged along. "This place has more life than I thought!" he congratulated Hades, who didn't answer. "Persephone must love it here! She's quite a bundle of energy, you know." 

Hades stepped up the pace. 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

"Hurry! Hurry!" shrieked Panic, fluttering frantically about. "Oooh, you made him mad!" 

"Well I didn't mean to!" Persephone ducked behind a stalagmite. "I just wanted to look--I'd never seen a three-headed, gigantic dog before." 

"Well now you've seen one!" Panic clung to Sephie's back. "We're gonna be chewtoys!" 

Persephone reached around the stalagmite and pulled a panting Pain behind it by the tail. "I knew this would be bad," chided the purple imp. "Forget Hades, we're dogmeat!" 

Persephone shook her head. "All we have to do," she whispered, "is get to that ledge up there. He can't get through that crack." 

"Oh gee is that all?" 

The goddess glared at Pain. "If you're going to be sarcastic you can stay here," she sniffed. "All right," she said to Panic, "Ready?" 

Panic trembled. 

"Let's go then." 

Cerberus stalked towards the stalagmite slowly, hackles raised. A single thought passed through his three brains, and that was: _maul_. 

"Run!" cried Persephone, bolting from her hiding spot. She tore towards the cavern wall, to a spot underneath the chosen ledge. 

Cerberus roared with rage and lunged after her--but stopped with a yelp when something bit into his flank. He turned one head and snapped at the chubby bobcat that clung there. 

Panic looked around as Persephone started to scale the cavern wall. "We really should be in--Pain!" he cried in surprise. 

"Don't be so pessimistic." 

"No, no!" Panic shouted. "It's Pain! He's lost his mind!" 

Persephone hauled herself onto the ledge, and turned around. "Oh!" she exclaimed. "He'll be eaten!" 

Cerberus turned in circles, snapping at the parasite on his flank. Finally he stopped, and flung himself onto his back. Pain was forced to let go or be crushed. 

"Pain!" shouted Persephone, waving her arms. "Up here! Quick!" 

Pain looked up, then around. The three-headed dog wasted no time in getting back to his feet, and immediately lunged at the transformed imp. Pain yowled in terror and, resuming his normal form, flapped furiously for the ledge. 

Hades appeared around a corridor, still dragging Poseidon behind him. They both shouted in surprise when they saw Persephone on a ledge, with a huge monster dog heading right for her. 

"What kind of place do you run here, Hades?" demanded Poseidon, raising his trident. "Daddy's coming, Angelfish!" 

Persephone reached out to yank Pain into the crack she and Panic were wedged into, but it was too late--the jaws of Cerberus' middle head closed around the purple imp before she could grab him. She stumbled back, gasping in horror. 

"Back, foul beast!" shouted Poseidon, charging at one of Cerberus' ankles. But before he could plunge his trident into the black-furred monster, all three of Cerberus' heads began yelping in agony. The middle head spat out a large porcupine, which landed on the cavern floor in a splat of canine saliva. Cerberus backed up, trampling Poseidon in the process, and shaking his middle head, which now had porcupine quills in its tongue and lips. The other two heads howled as the beast turned and fled from the cavern. 

Everyone froze for a few moments, stunned. Finally Poseidon sat up. 

"Was that your idea of entertaining my daughter, Hades?" the Sea God demanded. 

Hades steadied himself against a wall for a few seconds, then marched into the room. "What," he demanded, "is going on around here?" 

Persephone scrambled down from the ledge and hurried over to the porcupine, who lay curled tightly where he had fallen, hands over his face. She carefully touched him on the head. "Pain!" she said. "...Pain?" 

Pain uncovered one eye and looked up. "Oh no," he said, morphing back to normal, "he ate you, too." 

Persephone sighed, and attempted to pick the purple imp up, but he was coated with slimy dog drool. "Uh...ew." 

Poseidon thumped the end of his trident on the cavern floor. "Hades!" he shouted. "I have a bone to pick with you!" 

"Me first." 

Everyone in the room looked around to where Demeter stood, her eyes smoldering. 

"Why, hello, dear," wavered Poseidon. 

"I am not your 'dear' anymore." Demeter strode forward and beckoned to her daughter. "Sephie, darling!" 

"Mom!" exclaimed Persephone, running forward. She did not embrace her mother, as Demeter was evidently expecting, but took the Earth Goddess' hands instead. "Mom, it was so exciting!" she gushed. "I got to command a boat, and then I saw the Judges' Room, and then--" 

"That's nice, dear," said Demeter, effectively cutting Sephie's account off. "Now I need to talk to...Hades," she said, narrowing her eyes at the Lord of the Dead, "about your little 'trip' down here." 

Hades turned to Poseidon accusingly. "I thought you said it was all arranged with Demeter!" he said. 

Demeter blinked. "_What_ was all arranged with me?" 

"Er," said Poseidon. "Didn't I tell you...dear?" he asked. 

"No." 

"Oops." 

"'Oops'?" Hades widened his eyes. 

"Oh no, Daddy!" Persephone frowned at her father. "What did you forget now?" 

Poseidon forced a smile. "Oh, just a little thing," he assured Sephie. 

Hades folded his arms. "Just the betrothal of your only daughter to myself, hm?" 

Demeter practically exploded. "What?!" she shrieked. 

"What?!" echoed Persephone. "I'm not marrying _him_!" 

"Um, time to go." Panic scampered out of the cavern, closely followed by a still-damp Pain. Still stunned, but not wanting to have to hear her parents fighting again, Persephone quietly slipped out after them. 


	6. Chapter Six

**"Once Upon A Narcissus"**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Six_**

"Wow," remarked Panic, flopping down on a rock, "I never want to see canines that close again, ever." 

Persephone frowned. "Is that 'canines' as in dogs or 'canines' as in teeth?" 

Panic shivered. "Both." 

"Oh..." Persephone unclipped her sash and bent down to offer it to Pain, who was flapping his small wings in an attempt to shake off the last of the dog drool. "You poor thing," she said. "Here." 

Pain didn't take it. "Don't do me any favors," he grumbled. 

Persephone scowled a bit. "Well excuse me!" she nearly snapped, surprised at being spoken to that way. "I was only trying to help. Like _you_ helped _me_." 

"I wasn't helping _you_, I was helping _me_," Pain corrected the goddess. "If you had gotten hurt, who would have been in trouble? Us, that's who." 

Panic sighed. "That's true," he said. "We'd be goners." 

"But--" Persephone flung her arms wide-- "I _wasn't_ hurt. You won't get in trouble. I'll tell Hades how you saved me." 

"You don't get it, do you?" Pain shrugged exaggeratedly. "We _always_ get in trouble. He'll find something that we did wrong, and we'll be toast." 

"Yeah," agreed Panic. "We just can't get a break." 

"Well that's not fair." Persephone's tone turned sour. "What a horrible man! I don't want to marry _him!_ Mom was right, men _do_ think they rule everything." 

"Down here, I _do_ rule everything." 

Persephone didn't turn around. "What, are you and my father done settling on a market price for me?" 

Poseidon pushed past Hades. "Now, Sephie darling," he began, "I was only thinking of what was best for you--" 

"Butt out," said Demeter smoothly, pushing past both gods to put her hand on Persephone's shoulder. "Persephone, dear," she said, "look at me." 

Persephone reluctantly turned around. 

"Persephone," Demeter said again, "I'm afraid that...you'll have to remain here." 

Persephone's eyes widened. "What?" she gasped in horror. "Why?" 

Demeter sighed, and glanced over her shoulder at Poseidon and Hades. The former was scowling and leaning on his trident while the latter was trying his best to look in control of things. "Your father and Hades made a verbal agreement. According to Divine Law, that is legal and binding." 

"But what about _me?_ What if _I_ have an opinion?" 

The Earth Goddess shook her head. "You must simply...make do." 

Persephone pulled away from her mother. "No!" she cried, looking between her parents desperately. "I won't stay here! And you can't make me marry him! Daddy!" she begged Poseidon, who suddenly looked very uncomfortable, "Take me out of here! ...Please?" 

But the Sea Lord looked at the ground and said nothing. 

Persephone took a few steps back. "All right," she said, suddenly very calm, "fine." She turned a cold gaze on Hades. "I'll stay here, then." 

Demeter breathed a sigh of relief. "That's my good girl," she said, stepping forward to touch Persephone's face. Then the Earth Goddess turned to the men. "Poseidon," she said, "I'd like to speak with you in private, now." And with that she walked past the gods and out of the chamber. 

Poseidon harrumphed. "Happy birthday, Angelfish," he said to Persephone before reluctantly trailing Demeter. 

Persephone and Hades regarded eachother in silence for a few moments. 

Hades, who really felt that he should say something, finally stated: 

"Hey, this wasn't _my_ idea, you know." 

Persephone hmphed and turned away from him to glare at the opposite wall. 

Hades glided forward a bit. "Hey, it's not like I was looking forward to some hyperkinetic thing to go waltzing around my Underworld hijacking my boats and disturbing the wildlife!" 

Panic rolled his eyes. "Uh oh, here it comes..." 

"And you!" Hades turned on the imps, getting back into his stride. "Didn't I tell you to keep an eye on her? Didn't I?" 

"But we did!" wailed Panic, cringing. 

"'Don't let her out of your sight'--Those were my exact words!" 

Pain nodded, then switched to shaking his head. "But we didn't!" he insisted, wringing his tail. 

"So, what you're telling me is," said Hades menacingly, gliding closer, "that you just _watched_ her put her nose where it didn't belong." 

Pain and Panic nodded. That was it. 

"I see," said Hades, turning his attention to the purple imp. "And Pain," he went on, "I saw what you did to my guard dog. Do you know how hard it is to get a veterinarian to make a house call down here?.." 

The imps glanced fearfully at one another. 

Hades' hair surged red, and flame streaked down his arms to his hands as he prepared to generate a pair of fireballs. "..._Do you??_" 

"Don't you dare!" shrieked Persephone, darting between the Lord of the Dead and his trembling victims. And she smacked him, hard, across the face with her open palm. 

Hades stumbled backwards, his fireballs dissipating in his surprise as Pain and Panic made good their escape. 

"Agh!" cried Hades, at the end of his rope. "You're more mentally affected than both of your crazy parents combined! What was _that_ for?" 

"Those two," growled Persephone, "don't deserve to be treated like Lil' Smokies!" 

Hades blinked. 

"You just think," Persephone went on, fuming, "that you can parade around down here, pushing everybody around, and making them do whatever you want? Is that what you think?" 

Hades slapped his forehead. "I have been trying to explain to you--Yes! That's what I do! I'm Hades! You know, Lord of the Dead, yadda yadda! It's my job." 

"Being Lord of the Dead is a job," hissed Persephone, leaning in close to the god, "but you are turning it into a disgrace." 

"A disgrace?" Hades stepped back. "This from the person who goes traipsing around in...that?" he demanded, indicating the goddess's short dress with a sweep of his hand. 

They glared at eachother. 

Persephone turned up one corner of her mouth. "Sorry," she said at last, "but I didn't have time to pack for my vacation." 

Hades rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, well," he said, "I'll have Clotho spin you something. We don't want you running around half-draped, you might give the old hags some ideas." 

They both shivered. 

Having nothing else to say, Persephone brushed past Hades and headed back towards the riverbank. 

Hades paused, then followed her. "Why did you agree to stay here?" he had to know. 

Persephone walked in silence for a moment, then responded: "It was the better choice." 

"Better than what?" 

"Than..." Persephone hesitated. "Than being treated like a hothouse flower." 

A bit bewildered, Hades continued to follow Persephone, until they reached the river's edge, where Persephone climbed into the ferry and picked up the pole. 

"Come on," she said, "I'll give you a lift." 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The wedding fell into the planning stages. As was customary for a union between two Immortals, a year's engagement, minimum, was required. So Persephone remained in the Underworld. 

As the months passed, Demeter fell into a depression. At first, she had been cool and collected regarding the whole Persephone Affair (as the events came to be known among the residents of Mount Olympus), and had gone about her Divine duties in her ordinary dignified fashion. But as time wore on, Demeter became despondent, yearning for her daughter's company and seething about what had been done to her for the sake of a bet between a couple of males. 

So she turned on the mortals who tended her Earth, drying up fields and destroying crops. Soon the mortals began to know hunger, and the farmers begged their patron Goddess of the Earth for mercy. When no mercy was granted they turned to Zeus, desperate for their lives. 

When Zeus saw what was happening to the mortals he became alarmed. Although he was the official ruler of the Olympians, it was not his place to interfere within a god's or goddess's domain of expertise. When he asked his wife, Hera, for advice, she suggested sending someone as a messenger to Demeter, someone whom she might listen to. 

So Zeus sent for Iris, the Goddess of the Rainbow, to speak to Demeter. Iris was a longtime friend and confidant of the Earth Goddess, and Zeus hoped Demeter might relent when such a close companion asked her to reconsider her actions. 

But when Iris returned to the Olympian Throne Room, shaking her head sadly, Zeus knew the mortals were in more trouble than he had previously thought. 


	7. Chapter Seven

**"Once Upon A Narcissus"**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Seven_**

_I just know I'm gonna get in trouble for this someday_, thought Pain, reaching for another apple, _but you just can't find food this good lying around the Underworld_. 

It had been no easy trick for Pain to find a way into Hades' sealed pantry--there was only one crack and it was rather narrow--but the imp had done it, and now he came here on occasion to rest and for a snack. 

He hadn't, however, needed to escape to the Pantry very often for the past seven months. With Persephone around, Hades very seldom ordered the imps around, and even when he did, it was only to warn them to stay out of his way. 

Pain chewed on a fig. Hades had changed lately, he decided. He didn't seem to get angry quite as often or as easily--in fact, when Persephone was around, he was almost...relaxed. The God of the Underworld actually seemed to enjoy keeping company with Persephone, and the two conversed now without any hostility at all. The rest of the time, when Persephone was off exploring the caverns, Hades preferred to be alone. This left the imps with a lot of free time, with which they didn't know what to do--for the first time, a few of them were actually beginning to develop hobbies. 

All this despite the fact that 'business' had been booming. Due to Demeter's neglect of the Earth, the casualty rate of the mortals had increased, making more work for Hades. But much to everyone's surprise, Persephone, who had begun to get bored, actually volunteered to take on some of the workload. In all, the chaotic betrothal had turned into a fortuitous engagement, and promised to become a prosperous union. 

Deciding it was time to lay off before the day's losses became obvious, Pain grabbed the only thing he knew he could get out of the room--a few pomegranate seeds--and, turning back into a cockroach, squeezed back through the crack to make sure Hades wasn't looking for him. Lots of free time or not, he wasn't about to risk that Persephone wouldn't be nearby to prevent Hades from toasting him. 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

"So...you're _not_ in trouble?" 

Persephone shook her head and smiled. "No, not really," she told Cyane's image. "I got engaged." And she held up her left hand, indicating the platinum ring. 

"Oooh," said Cyane, nodding a little. "So...so he's not that bad?" 

Persephone shook her head. "He turned you back to normal, didn't he?" 

"Well...yeah." 

"And the Fates let me use their Reflecting Pool to talk to you." 

"Yeah," repeated the nymph, nodding again. 

"So don't worry about me, I'll be fine." 

Cyane hugged herself. "But Sephie," she said, "it's been so cold. Your mom has been so upset she told Helios to fly his chariot higher so the Earth can't get warm. And sometimes the Pool gets so cold it turns hard." 

Persephone looked at her hands. "I wish Mother would understand," she murmured. "I changed my mind--I'd like to get married." 

"Even to _him?_" 

"So he's got a temper." Persephone sighed a little. "At least he's interesting." 

Cyane's image in the Reflecting Pool rippled as she shrugged. "Well obviously your mom doesn't care--I hear that the mortals are starving!" 

"They're not the only ones." 

"Hm?" 

Now Persephone shrugged. "I haven't eaten since I came here," she explained. 

"What?" gasped Cyane, her eyes widening. "Won't Hades give you any food?" 

Persephone nodded. "Every day. But I can't eat those grubs and worms--they're too fattening. I need to lose weight for the wedding." 

"So you're not going to eat for a whole year??" 

"Basically. It's only for another couple of months, anyways." 

Cyane exhaled. "You goddesses are so weird!" she exclaimed. 

Persephone grinned. "So," she began, "how are things on the island?" 

"Ugh," said Cyane, rolling her eyes. "Cal is being such a pervert. He keeps offering to 'help us keep warm'. He says we should share our body heat." 

"Ew!" cried Persephone. "Who would want to touch _him?_" 

Cyane laughed. "Noone," she said simply. "Anyways, it's pretty cold out here, I've got to go." 

"All right." Persephone stood up. "Oh--" she said quickly before Cyane could run away from the Pool, "Will you be my maid of honor?" 

"Oh, yes!" cried Cyane happily. "I will! Sephie, I'm so glad you're not in trouble!" And with that the nymph skipped off across the barren field. Neither Persephone nor the nymph noticed Ascalaphus, hiding in the long yellow grass near the Pool. As soon as Cyane was out of sight, he crept nearer to the Reflecting Pool, watching Persephone curiously. 

Persephone sat back down and clasped her knees to her chest. "Drat," she muttered. Mentioning food had made her uncomfortably hungry, again. Maybe it was a kind of stupid idea, she thought, not eating all year. But she had told Hades of her intention not to eat, and she didn't want him to catch her eating now and tease her for being soft-willed. She sighed. 

"You bored too?" 

Persephone looked around at Pain, who had wandered into the chamber carrying a small piece of folded paper. "Anything good on the Pool?" 

The goddess shook her head. "Just the same old things," she answered. "Anyways I'm afraid to look around too much, I might see food." 

Pain frowned. "Something wrong with food?" 

"Yeah--I can't have any." Persephone held her stomach. "And I'm starving!" 

Pain scratched his head. "Oh yeah, you're on that weird nondiet thing. Well, have it your way, I--" 

Persephone grabbed the imp, a wild look in her eye. "I've got to have some food," she growled. "You've _got_ to help me!" 

"Woah, woah!" cried Pain, surprised. "Goddess is losing it--Okay, okay, no problem, I've got you covered." He held out the piece of paper and waved it under Persephone's nose. "Let's not go postal, now." 

Persephone crossed her eyes at the paper, then released Pain into her lap and grabbed the paper before it could flutter to the ground. "What is it?" She unfolded the paper. "Oh, pomegranate seeds! Six of them! Where did you get them--Never mind," she interrupted the hedgy answer, "just, thank you." She tipped the seeds into her mouth using the paper to avoid staining her fingers. "You're a life saver, Pain!" she cried, and kissed the imp. 

"Hey!" yelled Pain, attempting to twist free. "Cut it out! Sheesh, that's the last time I do anything for you...Leggo!" And he struggled so violently that Persephone could no longer hang on and he tumbled right into the Reflecting Pool. Cal, startled, ran off, again unseen. 

Persephone giggled. "Aw...are you okay?" 

Pain floundered in the shallow water. "Ow--no," he grumped, rubbing his head where he had hit it on a rock under the water's surface. "I'm very rarely okay." He hauled himself out of the Pool and shook himself off. "And you're no help." 

The goddess had fallen in too good a mood by the seeds to be put off by Pain's usual bad attitude towards her. "Aw," she said again. She snatched him back up and began rubbing his head. 

"Hey!" yelled Pain. "Don't you ever quit?" 

"No." 

Pain struggled for a few moments more, then resolutely allowed the goddess to pet him. 

"There, now isn't that better?" 

"Uhm..." 

"You're welcome." 

At that moment the three Fates came hobbling into the chamber. 

"Persephone, child," called Atropos, "you must come at once!" 

Persephone released Pain, who crept off. "Why?" she asked, standing up. 

"Oh, you'll never guess!" cried Clotho. "Go on, guess!" 

"Leave the poor child be," grumped Lachesis, "she must have a hard enough time down here without you and your silly guessing games." 

Clotho pouted. "They are _not_ silly. Are they, Atropos?" 

"Yes they are now shut up." Atropos touched Persephone on the arm. "Come with us," she said gravely. 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

"It's always nice to see you," Hades sighed, showing Hermes into the War Room. "Have a seat?" 

Hermes looked at the rock Hades gestured towards. It was on fire. "No thanks man," he said. "I'm here on business, you know?" 

"Suit yourself." Hades flopped down into his large armchair. "So Zeus can't get off his duff long enough to see me himself, eh?" he muttered. "It's not surprising, really--I mean, _I'm_ not surprised, he never comes down here." Hades drummed his fingers on the chair. "This is really cutting into my work schedule." 

"Ah, Persephone!" Hermes fluttered over to the goddess, who had just entered, followed by the Fates. "I dig the new look. Very...Underworldian, you know--" 

"Can it," seethed Hades, standing up. "Okay, she's here, now what is this all about?" 

"You, my irate friend, have been subpoenaed," announced the messenger god proudly, swooping over to Hades and stuffing a scroll down the front of the Lord of the Dead's tunic. "Don't be late; reception afterwords. And here's one for you too, babe," he added, handing another scroll to Persephone. "And," Hermes continued, throwing an armful of scrolls into the air, "here's summons for all witnesses involved. Later!" And with a casual salute the god flew out of the chamber. 


	8. Chapter Eight

**"Once Upon A Narcissus"**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Eight_**

"Programs! Get your programs!" 

As Persephone pushed her way through the crowd, she couldn't get over just how big a deal this whole betrothal thing was turning out to be. The Olympian courtroom looked like some kind of cheap mortal fairground. A sea of gods, goddesses, demigods, and fabulous beasts had turned out for what was being called the greatest trial since Demeter's and Poseidon's divorce. Persephone craned her neck and tried to find her friends in the crowd but couldn't locate any of them. She tried to ignore the curious stares and pointing fingers and moved on. 

Finally she reached her 'place of honor' at the front of the courtroom and sat on the platform. Miffed, she realized that the placement of the platform made her look very much like a curio on display in a seedy museum, and she pouted a bit in disapproval. 

In the jury box, the twelve Muses chatted energetically amongst themselves, about the horrendous weather, about the tricky commute that morning, but mostly about full-service beauty salons. 

Hermes fluttered out of a door and hovered over the crowd for a moment, shaking his head at the souvenir stands and snack vendors. "What has Olympus come to?" he murmured softly to himself, then pulled an enormous horn out from nowhere and blasted it as hard as he could. 

The crowd fell silent immediately. When the room finally stopped shaking, Hermes drew himself up to his full height. "Will all those present please stand!" he voiced. 

The crowd stood and faced forward. 

"Ahem." Hermes put the horn back wherever it had come and zipped to the front of the chamber, stopping to hover beside a huge set of stone doors. "Announcing," he shouted, "His Honor, Ruler of all Olympus...the Big Guy, _Zeus!_" 

The crowd cheered and whistled as Zeus, dressed in judicial robes, emerged through the stone doors. He grinned and waved. 

Hades, at the defendant's table, covered his face with his hands. 

Dionysus started an enthusiastic ape chant which lasted a good minute while Zeus stepped behind a lofty podium. When the Thunder God had taken his place, the crowd quieted down and took their seats. 

Zeus banged his gavel unnecessarily. "Order!" he boomed. There was a shortlived bout of clapping. "This trial," he began, "is to determine the fate of Persephone, daughter of Demeter and Poseidon. Will she marry the God of the Underworld..." --here there was a burst of 'boo's; Hades waved and pretended to appreciate it-- "...Or will she return to the Island of Henna and her mother's protection?" A round of 'Yeah!'s flitted through the crowd. 

"Order!" Zeus warned. 

"Zinfindel!" yelled Dionysus. The crowd tittered. 

Zeus frowned, then picked up a scroll from his podium and examined it. "I will hear the opening statements now," he boomed. 

Athena, counselor for the prosecution, stepped forward, while her owl Bubo remained perched on the back of her chair. 

"Ladies and gentleman!" she cried, whirling on the crowd. "A great injustice has been done here! Will we not rise up and defend that which is good, and righteous?" 

There was an appreciative roar from the audience. 

"And will we not," the Goddess of Wisdom continued, "stand as one, against that which is opprobrious, and debase?" 

The audience paused mid-cheer, and some went for their dictionaries. 

"No!" Athena answered for them. She turned on Zeus. "Your Honor!" she said, throwing her arms wide, "you must find for my client, the gracious, good goddess Demeter, who has never shown anything but noble judgment for the Earth and Mount Olympus. Do not allow that vile man--" here she pointed haughtily at Hades-- "to steal away her pure daughter Persephone! I thank you." Athena took her seat among thunderous applause. 

Zeus banged his gavel until the crowd was under control, then he nodded to the counselor for the defense. 

"Hey!" Ares announced himself, getting heavily to his feet. He cast a glance in Athena's direction. "Nice speech there, Thena," he grinned. 

Athena and Bubo just glared at him. 

"Hey!" Ares said again, addressing the crowd. "Don't listen to her! Hades is a swell guy! Hey, so he has a dirty job, so what, eh?" 

Hades slumped in his chair. 

"Listen Zeus--Your Honorable One, eh?" Ares went on, turning to the magistrate. "Don't judge my client for what he does. Or where he lives or all the stuff he tried to pull back with that Herc thing--Hey that was a party, eh?" The War God started to laugh but caught sight of Zeus' enraged expression so he forced himself to put on a straight face. "Thank you." He sat quickly. "We're a shoe-in!" chortled Ares, elbowing the God of the Dead, who said nothing. 

"Well." Zeus looked over his scroll again. "Will the defense call their first witness!" 

The three Fates took the stand. 

"Persephone is a good girl," Clotho began when Ares questioned the sisters. "She always makes her bed and never talks back to her elders." 

"Except for Hades," Lachesis added. "She talks back to _him_. He's much older than she is, you know." 

The jury murmured and took notes. 

Atropos sighed. "I remember when Hades was just a little godling--Always full of mischief, like the time he tried to teach Cerberus to dance." 

The crowd roared with laughter as the flame on Hades' head turned pink. 

Zeus banged his gavel. "Is that all, counselor?" he asked Ares. 

"You bet!" said Ares. He resumed his seat. 

"You may cross-examine the witness--er, witnesses." 

Athena strode slowly towards the stand, her eyes scanning the room. Suddenly she practically pounced on the Fates. 

"Isn't it true," she began loudly, "that Hades tried to tear Persephone's clothes off the moment he first got a hold of her?" 

The Fates looked confused. "Eh?" they said. 

"I'd like to produce this item," said Athena, taking the broken seashell garter from her table and waving it like a banner, "as evidence of the Lord of the Dead's preference for the living, if you know what I mean." 

The crowd gasped in revulsion. 

"That cheap foreign belt _fell_ off!" shouted Hades, jumping up. "I never tried anything!" 

"Why, you swine!" boomed Poseidon, rising and stamping his trident on the floor. "How _dare_ you call my gifts cheap!" 

Zeus pounded his gavel repeatedly. "Both of you: sit down!" he roared. 

The two protesters reluctantly sat. 

Zeus glowered out over the assembly. "I don't want _any_ more interruptions, understand?" 

The crowd nodded as one. 

"Good. Will that be all, counselor?" 

"Yes Your Honor," answered Athena. 

Zeus instructed the Fates to step down, and they were replaced by Charon. 

"Hey man," Ares greeted the Ferryman jovially. Charon was silent. 

"Get to the questions." 

"All right, all right," sulked Ares. He clasped his hands behind his back. "So," he began, "can you tell us a little about how Hades treats Persephone?" 

Charon stared blankly out at the crowd and fidgeted with his ferry pole. 

"Uh...How about, is Persephone happy in the Underworld?" 

Charon checked the sundial on his wrist. 

Zeus seethed. "The witness is excused!" he roared. Charon obediently vacated the courtroom. 

"I'll thank you," Zeus went on, turning to Ares, "to next time call a witness that can speak! Sit down!" 

Ares sat. 

Zeus pretended to organize his notes. "Will the Counselor for the Prosecution please call the next witness," he stated. 

Athena didn't beat around the bush. She called Helios to the stand. 

Can we make this quick?" asked Helios, taking his seat. "I've got my son driving the chariot today and I don't think he's bound to do very well." 

"What exactly did you see over Henna when Persephone was...escorted into the Underworld?" 

"Oh," said Helios. "I saw Persephone and her nymph friend--" here Zeus had the Sun God point out Cyane-- "running around in the flower field." 

"Then what happened?" 

Helios rubbed the side of his helmet, which he had placed in his lap. "The ground opened up, and Hades' chariot came out of the hole. He threw something at the nymph and she changed into like a stone basin-looking thing--I couldn't see too well. Then he grabbed Persephone and went back into the ground. The hole closed up." 

"I see." Athena paced slowly. "Do you think you can say Hades used excessive force?" 

"Well...I dunno, he just grabbed her." 

"Did she appear to want to go with him?" 

"Not really, no." 

"Thank you." Athena stepped back to her table. "Your witness." 

Ares harrumphed and approached the stand thoughtfully. "Did you say a bit earlier that you couldn't see the scene too well?" he asked. 

The Sun God frowned. "When?" 

Zeus waved his gavel at a satyr in the corner holding a scroll and quill pen. "Will the court stenographer please repeat the witness' last statement," he boomed. 

"'When,'" read the satyr. The crowd snickered. 

Zeus raised his arm back to bang the gavel, and the room fell deathly quiet. "Back up a bit, son," Zeus told the satyr finally, lowering the gavel. 

"'He threw something at the nymph and she turned into a stone basin-looking thing--I couldn't see too well.'" 

"Well?" asked Ares, arching an eyebrow at Helios. 

Helios fidgeted. "All right," he said, "so my view from the chariot isn't so good. But he grabbed her!" he reiterated, jabbing a finger at Hades, who remained passively silent. 

Ares stole a glance at the jury of Muses, who were thoughtfully writing notes. Encouraged, he turned to Zeus. 

"No further questions, Yer Honor," he said and sat down. 

Finally, Athena called Hades. Hades stoically took the stand amid several hisses from the crowd. 

"I thought I'd go along with it," Hades went on after he'd been grilled about the 'deal' he had made with Poseidon. "I figured, maybe it was about time I settled down and got married and all that domestic-type stuff. Hey, maybe _my_ marriage would even work," he added, and the crowd stole a scrutinizing look at Poseidon, who shrank a bit in his chair. 

"You were a bit hasty in your decision," Athena pointed out. "And you never consulted with the girl's mother." 

"Call me presumptuous but I _had_ assumed that someone, namely, her father, might, just _might_ think to mention something to Demeter but then, I suppose I should have taken into consideration who I was dealing with..." 

The crowd had to murmur in sympathy. 

Athena strode up to the witness box. "Perhaps you'd like to explain a certain incident involving a certain unleashed giant three-headed hellbeast..?" she prompted, looking to Demeter, who had managed to drill several witness points out of her ex-husband. 

Hades sighed. "The girl was a bit over-eager, so what?" he answered. "She knows her way around better now. It's not like she got hurt or anything." 

Ares's cross-examination of Hades left much to be desired. By the time the War God sat down, grinning, the crowd wasn't sure whether to side with Hades, Demeter, or the Spartan Athletic Guild. 

Zeus called for the closing statements. 

"Your Honor," began Athena, "I would like to point out to the jury at this moment just how dangerous the Underworld is and how unfitting a place it is for the delicate daughter of the Earth." 

Persephone stiffened. 

"Hades should not be allowed to wed Persephone!" Athena went on. "Such a union would lead to a disintegration of the intricate workings of the Mortal Realm of the Dead!" 

Hades narrowed his eyes. 

"Find for my client, and the universe shall resume its path of Order. Thank you." Athena sat down. 

Ares stepped in front of the jury box. "Hey," he greeted the Muses, who showed no change in expression. "Well--" he began, but was interrupted by Persephone, who came rushing down out of her booth. 

"Enough!" she shouted, waving her arms. 

Zeus banged his gavel. "Young lady," he warned, "this is a serious trial--" 

Persephone whirled on the Thunder God. "You bang that thing again and I'll show you another use for it," she snarled. 

Zeus blinked at her. 

"Mom!" shouted Persephone, turning to Demeter. "Aren't you ashamed? And Daddy! All of you should be ashamed!" she went on, planting her hands on her hips and glowering at the crowd. "Flocking in here like sheep to a tacky tourist trap!" 

"Sephie," said Hades nervously through clenched teeth, "what are you doing?" 

"I'm working." Persephone marched up to the Muses. "Well?" she asked. "Do you have an all-mighty decision? Are you ready to barter me off like an ox?" 

"Actually girlfriend," Calliope answered her evenly, "we've seen enough." She stood up, and the other Muses followed her lead. "Great Zeus," Calliope said, "we have come to a deliberation." 

"Already?" 

"Yes." 

"Well let's have it, then." 

"You've got it." Calliope squared her shoulders. "We have decided that neither party can be considered right or wrong until my girl here--" she gestured towards Persephone, "is allowed to speak her mind. Good day." And with that the twelve Muses filed swiftly out of the courtroom. 

The crowd's silence quickly turned into an indignant outburst. 

"Now, now, quiet down everyone." Zeus raised his gavel then thought better of it and tucked it away in a pocket of his robes. "Persephone," he said, "will you take the stand please?" 

Persephone gathered up her voluminous midnight blue robes (which matched the immortal narcissus in her hair) and took the stand. Athena stood up. 

"No, no," said Zeus, holding up a hand. "I'll handle this one." 

Athena sat reluctantly. 

"Now...why don't you tell us what you would like to see happen here today?" 

Persephone chewed her lower lip for a moment, then looked out over the courtroom. She looked at Demeter. The Earth Goddess sat straight in her chair, her hands clasped beneath the table, her eyebrows furrowed in concern. She looked at Hades. He was slumped in his chair, his hands curled into fists on the table. Both were watching her intently. 

"I would like.." she said at last, "I would like to bypass all this trial stuff--It's only a crowd-pleaser anyways. Can't we just do what's right?" 

There was an embarrassed hush. 

"All right," said Zeus finally. "Let us consult the Great Tome. Hermes, the Great Tome!" 

"Comin' at ya!" replied Hermes from the back of the courtroom. He zipped out through the main doors. 

The crowd burst into near chaos. The Great Tome of the Gods hadn't been consulted for hundreds of years--it hadn't needed to be. Many of the rules in there had been penned by Chronos and Rhea themselves, and were held in high regard. 

The room quieted as Hermes returned, bent under the weight of the colossal book. He managed to carry it all the way to Zeus before his sandals' wings gave out. He had to walk back to his seat, a task he undertook with as much dignity as he could muster. 

"Let's see now..." Zeus put on his reading glasses and began flipping through the Tome. "What would be the appropriate solution...Who organized this thing?" He flipped some more. "Wait--here's something: 'Whomever consumeth of any element within the boundaries of the Realm of the Mortal Departed must forever thereafter remain as a denizen of the aforementioned Domain.'" 

Someone in the crowd coughed. 

Zeus ripped off his glasses. "It means if Persephone ever ate anything while she was in the Underworld she has to stay there forever!" he shouted. 

A wave of "Oh!"'s rippled through the crowd. 

Demeter brightened because Cyane had told her that Persephone hadn't eaten anything for the entire seven months. 

Hades slumped further because he also thought she hadn't. 

And Persephone began to fidget because she knew she had but noone else did--except Pain, who wasn't there. 

Zeus looked expectantly at Persephone. "Well?" he prompted. 

Before Persephone could answer there was a shout from the back of the room: 

"She ate! She ate, I saw her!" 

Everyone in the court turned around to stare at Ascalaphus, who was standing on his chair and waving his arms like he was directing a ship to dock. "She ate six pomegranate seeds! I saw everything!" He beamed proudly at the attention he was getting. 

Demeter turned back around. "Persephone?" she said. "Is--is this true?" 

Hades sighed. "So it all comes out now, doesn't it?" he asked. "You just don't like my cooking." 

Persephone exhaled and touched her forehead. "All right," she said. "I did it. I did--I had some seeds. Only six." 

Zeus banged his fist on the podium, because he had put the gavel away. "Then it is decreed," he began, "That Persephone, daughter of Demeter, shall remain in the Underworld with Hades!" 

Demeter's jaw dropped. "No!" she cried, jumping to her feet. "No, it can't be!" 

"I'm sorry Demi," Zeus answered, but we must obey the Tome." 

Demeter whirled around. "You!" she cried, pointing at Cal, who was still standing on his chair. "You'll pay for this!" And, in a flash, where Cal had been standing now perched a small, very confused-looking owl. He looked around. "Hoo?" he asked. 

Bubo, half asleep on the back of his mistress' chair, perked up. Swiveling his head around, he spotted the intruder owl instantly. Bubo was enraged. He was the only owl allowed on Mount Olympus and he knew it. Screeching angrily and puffing himself up to twice his normal size, he darted straight towards Cal. 

Cal squeaked in terror and flapped heavily towards the court's main doors, which Hermes thoughtfully opened for him. Bubo chased Cal out the doors and out of sight. 

Hades stood up. "Demeter," he admonished the Earth Goddess, "don't you think you're overreacting--" 

Mount Olympus shook violently, and the stone floor of the courtroom cracked loudly. 

"--just a _tad?_" 

"Zeus!" cried Demeter, rushing to the podium. "You can _not_ seriously mean that you would let that, that, that--" She fished for the word. "--_creature_ take possession of my daughter?!" 

"Now just a minute," said Hades, but Persephone came to his rescue. 

"Mom," she said sternly, "I don't think that's the most appropriate way to put it." 

Demeter ignored her daughter. "It was only six pomegranate seeds," she told Zeus. "Surely such an infinitesimal amount of food counts for _something_..?" 

Zeus harrumphed. "The Tome clearly states--" 

"That Tome is severely outdated!" snapped Demeter, and the crowd gasped in shock. 

"Demi," warned Zeus, "we have traditions to uphold, outdated or not." 

Demeter turned away. "Then let the Earth suffer," she muttered, but loud enough for the Thunder God to hear. 

"It _is_ outdated, isn't it?" Zeus amended himself quickly. "Perhaps an addendum can be written...And maybe we can organize it a bit better this time. Take this down," he told the stenographer. "The number of items consumed shall equal the number of months per year the subject shall spend in the Underworld, unless the number of items is equal to or less than twelve, in which case the subject shall remain in the Underworld indefinitely unless some other factor plays in and--Are you getting this, son?" he asked the frantically scribbling satyr. 

"Six months," moaned Demeter. She took Persephone's hand. "At least she will not have to _marry_ him." 

"Ahem," said Persephone. "I hope you have a dowry prepared." 

Demeter dropped her daughter's hand. 

"Son!" sobbed Poseidon. 


	9. Epilogue

**"Once Upon A Narcissus"**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Epilogue_**

"Well?" 

Silence. 

Hades sighed. "All right, let's try this again," he said calmly. "Whoever is sneaking into my pantry, I want him or her to own up, right now." 

No response. 

The Lord of the Dead began to pace back and forth in front of the line of six imps. "All I'm asking is to know who is doing it," he went on. "Turn in yourself, turn in your friend, I don't care. I just want to know. Everything has been turning up missing, even the big stuff, for crying out loud. Who is it?" 

The imps looked at eachother for a moment, then turned as Persephone stepped into the room. 

"Hades," she said, "can you go to the market today? We're out of figs." She left. 

The imps turned back around. 

"Oy," said Hades. 


End file.
